


Twenty Things

by indigo (indigo_angels)



Category: The A-Team (2010), The A-Team - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 12:18:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11944047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indigo_angels/pseuds/indigo
Summary: All is not well in paradise and Face is wondering what the hell went wrong.





	Twenty Things

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt from Spot_On60

Face sighed as he looked at the clock and wondered where the hell Murdock was. Sitting alone, nursing his untouched coffee and just waiting was torture: pure, unadulterated torture. It gave him time, time he didn’t need to let his mind dwell on what had been and what would never be anymore, and that was something he really wasn’t very keen on at all. Murdock had been like this recently, needy and fickle, needing to see Face, needing to help him get some ‘closure’ but then standing him up without notice or explanation. It had been bad; bad enough that Face had felt he should mention his concern – and the fact that he was fed up of the pilot standing him up – to Hannibal. 

“It’s a split, kid,” Hannibal had said bitterly, “Murdock’s taking it bad and when parents split, they have to do what’s best for the children.” Murdock was not their child, but Face understood Hannibal’s meaning. It didn’t make it any easier, though, but he played along, let Murdock call all the shots, acquiescing for his buddy’s benefit alone.

Face knew about splits, knew a hell of a lot more about them then Murdock did at any rate, he’d certainly had enough experience. He knew that you didn’t need to go through any of this ‘closure’ crap, you just needed to get out as fast and as cleanly as possible. He had been the leaver on many occasion and, despite what people might have assumed about him, that was never a role he enjoyed. If you were the leaver, though, you said your piece, you made it clear that there would be no reuniting, you thanked the other person for all the fun you’d had, wished them well – and left, going as far away as possible and just trying to forget it all. 

He’d also been the one left – which was a whole new ball game entirely. In that case, you retreated to a safe place, drank and smoked until you couldn’t do it anymore and then waited for the pain to subside to a level where living was possible again. That’s how he’d handled it with Sosa at any rate. Either way, you didn’t do this, you didn’t drag yourself through all this painful pantomime to signify the end of what had once been so wonderful. Not even if you didn’t really understand who was leaving who and why – just that it was all over with. 

But still – Murdock. He’d looked nothing short of stricken when Face had first told him that he and Hannibal had decided to separate. His question of, “Why?” had been largely unanswered by a Face who didn’t really understand that point himself.

“It’s just not good anymore,” he’d answered, which was true at any rate. 

Murdock had stared at him and nodded and wandered away and Face had thought that had been that, but he’d been wrong. Two hours later he’d been back with a bright grin and a stack of crisp, white paper and Face had listened, heart sinking, as he’d outlined his plan. Face hadn’t seen the point in putting himself through all that pain, dredging up sweet memories that now just felt sour but he’d done it, for Murdock, on the promise that Murdock would never read it. Murdock had faithfully promised that he would never read a word of it and that Face should write it from his heart, seal it in the envelope and then hand it over to Murdock and there would be his closure. 

So, Face had done just that and it had been both harder and easier than he’d imagined. He’d been honest though, more honest than he ever had been in real life and, of course, that was so much easier when he knew that he was the only person who would ever read the words he wrote. 

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Arts District of LA, waiting for Murdock at their reserved table, Face passed the time by thinking back to what he had put, going back over the whole thing word for word, every single letter and sentiment that was burnt into his heart for good.

Face’s List of Ten Things (with reasons!) That Are Awesome About Our Fearless Leader – Hannibal! 

He’d smiled at Murdock’s title. One of the things he loved most about his buddy was the ability he had to bring a point of light into an otherwise shitty moment. Then he’d taken a deep breath and started writing. 

1\. Hannibal’s sense of honour. He would never do the wrong thing, never sell another soul down the river to forward his own cause. There are so many examples of this from our daily lives but I saw this so powerfully in all the nights he’d hold me in his arms but refuse to fuck me. He knew I wasn’t ready, that I was too raw, too needy, too desperate to feel something other than desperation. He made us wait but he did it in a way that never made me feel unwanted. He gave me the time to sort my head out a little and decide what I really wanted and at the end of it all I knew what that was – I wanted him.

2\. Strength. He’s always been my strength. Whenever things have been hard for me, Hannibal has been there. He’s never been phased by my frailties, never judged me for my thoughts or actions, he’s always just held me when I needed to be held and called me out on my bullshit when I needed to be told. It’s never been too much for him, coping with me. Never. And that just shows how strong he is.

3\. Compassion. He’s the most compassionate man I know, and again, the examples of this are too numerous to mention. But there was that one time, after BA had been so badly injured trying to stop that suicide bomber outside the base in Iraq. We’d all been stunned, he’d lost so much blood that they really didn’t expect him to make it and so me and Murdock wouldn’t leave his side, just sat there, all the time, savouring every single moment. Not Hannibal though. He knew what BA would have wanted, wasn’t about to let anyone else tell BA’s momma what had happened, wouldn’t entertain the thought of doing it over some crackly and time-delayed sat-phone. Instead, he flew half-way around the world, told her himself and then brought her back again, right to the field hospital where they just stared, they’d never seen anyone’s momma there before. He knew what was needed, and he did it, regardless of what he himself might have missed. And now he’s Momma’s hero. And BA’s. Mine too really, but then he’s always been that. 

4\. Fearlessness. Where do I start with this one? Anyone who knows Hannibal knows this. Everyone who’s every served with him, everyone who’s ever come up against him. I used to follow in his wake in awe, marvelling at the decisions he made the way he always seemed to know just what to do and that he’d make it out again – we’d all make it out again. People can talk about the best examples of this, the time in the Kashmiri jungles when we were tracking those insurgents, the time we boarded that Somali pirate boat, the whole time we were in Belize extracting those British troops; they’re all good, they’re all perfect examples of Hannibal's bravery and ones that people have marvelled about to me on more than one occasion. But the bravest thing he’s ever done? In my eyes? Take me on. The wayward, out of control Ranger that was going to get himself, and most likely his unit, killed very, very soon. Hannibal didn’t shy from that task – and he saved my life in doing it. 

5\. Understanding. Hannibal understands everyone’s point of view, everyone’s decisions and motivations. He doesn’t balk from the ugly and he’s happy to take on the damaged. He’s always understood BA and the decisions he made that led him down the wrong path. Murdock too and the demons in his head. Me – and all my baggage. He can empathise with every bad guy we’ve come across, not always agreeing with their logic but understanding their motivation at any rate. It’s part of what makes him so good at devising a plan to bring them down. That time we were looking for the bomb-making factory in Afghanistan, he got right into the bomber’s head, immersed himself so far into his twisted thinking that I had to defend him from those who’d felt he was turning away from sense. Even I didn’t understand it all but I did trust him and it paid off. We found the bastard, right where Hannibal thought he would be. Understanding – if the world was full of people like Hannibal, there’d be no wars at all. 

6\. Quick thinking. Again, this is legendary. I always loved pulling a con with Hannibal, it was a challenge trying to keep up with him, trying to keep pace with where he was going and what he was planning next. I had that reputation of being the con-man, of being Mr Tricky Dicky, but Hannibal was the master who had taught me everything I knew, he was always the better con man of us both and that fact that no one realised that just proved how true it all was. 

7\. Passionate. God, where do I start with this? I’ve slept with a lot of people. A lot. But that first time with Hannibal… it was… incredible, there is no other word to describe it. And not just the first time, every time since. He had this way of making me feel that it was all about me, always all about me. We tried so many different things, made love so many times and still, it was like I was the most precious thing in his life. No one has ever made me feel like that and I know they never will again. People who knew about us could never understand why he was with me, in the end they decided it must just be because I was a good lay, but they never knew the truth of it. Hannibal got pleasure from our lovemaking, yes, of course he did, but his pleasure all seemed to come from what he could give me, how deep he could lose himself and make me lose myself too. No one will ever understand what it was like for us. 

8\. Fairness. We’ve not always agreed completely, but Hannibal is always fair in his treatment of those around him. When we first got together I struggled to find that balance, to find my place at his side. I was very young and I thought that being with Hannibal was a free pass to behave as I pleased. It wasn’t, and Hannibal made sure I understood that – eventually. Even before people knew we were together though, they saw our closeness and felt that meant I was going to get unfair treatment. The comments I heard about being Hannibal's butt-boy, his pet, and the worse thing was that none of it was even true. Hannibal treated me like everyone else – even if I didn’t deserve it. 

9\. Organisation. Or should I really say, lack of it? Hannibal has a brilliant mind, sharp and fluid and capable of taking the whole big picture in at once. What it’s not capable of, though, is the details, filling in the tiny spots to make the whole thing work. He’d plan the action, decide how many rocket launchers we’d need and where they should be, but he’d not even consider that we’d actually need the rockets. That’s where I came in, I guess, that’s what made us such a good team, that I could fill in the inconsequentials that made Hannibal's plan so incredible, that I could keep the house tidy so that we always had the space and the calmness to do what the hell else we wanted. It worked well, and finding his underwear all over the bedroom carpet somehow just made me love him even more.

10\. Which brings me to this. Love. Shit. What can I say? Almost all of the love I have ever had in my whole life has come from this man. He has changed my views on relationships. Changed my views on love. Changed my views on me. I didn’t know if love simply did not exist of if it was it was just me who didn’t deserve it until I met him. And then I realised – I’d just never found the right person. For me it was love at first sight, although it took me quite a while to understand that’s what was going on, that’s why he was in my thoughts all day, every day. The first time he told me I was loved is something I will never forget. Sosa had said it but somehow I’d always known she was lying – when Hannibal had said it, I knew it was true and I’d thought it always would be. Even better, though, was saying it to him; knowing that it was welcomed, longed for even, that he wanted to hear it and would treasure it forever. But forever doesn’t exist, that’s what I’ve learnt from this. He loved me once: he doesn’t now. That’s life. I need to suck it up and move on. 

I guess realising that was what this was all about. 

I guess I’ve found Murdock’s closure.

It wasn’t the fairy tale ending that Face had hoped for from his list – or from his life – but it was real and he’d found out many times already that reality sucked. 

The bell above the door jangled and Face looked up, hoping to see Murdock and his sheepish expression but what he saw instead was a Fed-Ex man who was looking his way with a definitely confused expression. Face stiffened slightly and let his fingers trail underneath his jacket and towards his handgun whilst not allowing his relaxed posture to shift at all. He smiled, a gesture which was returned by the delivery man who was now at the side of the table. “Greg Wiseman?” It was Face’s last alias from the most recent job they’d been on and that was a surprising twist.

“Yeah.”

“Letter for you. If you could just sign.”

There was a letter being held out his way, Murdock’s spidery writing across the envelope proclaiming, ‘Greg Wiseman’ (Good looking guy), Table Seven (the one facing you when you walk in), Café Boho, Sven Street, LA – 10.47am on June 3rd PRECICESLY!’ Face glanced at his watch, it was 10.38am – close enough. He signed, just remembered which name to sign under through his confusion, stared at the envelope a moment, thinking he might just recognise it, then tore it open. 

He’d been wrong. He’d thought Murdock had re-sent him his list about Hannibal, wanting to remind him what he was missing, which was actually pointless as Face knew damn well already. It wasn’t what he got, though. Unfolding the sheaf of crisp, white paper, Face read the first line: Hannibal’s List of Ten Things (with reasons!) That Are Incredible About Our Gorgeous Faceman – And I Mean Gorgeous On The Inside, Not The Outside! Though he’s that too.

Face felt his cheeks flush and tried to keep his eyes from wandering down but he couldn’t, they had a will entirely of their own and he’d already read the first line before he’d meant to. 

‘Where would I possibly start with things that are incredible about Face? There are so many, I could sit here and write all day long…’

After that, he was hooked and didn’t even try to stop himself from greedily devouring the first paragraph in its entirety.

‘1. Loyalty. You expect loyalty from your XO, of course you do, and that’s not what I’m on about. Yes, Face has always done his job as far as that’s concerned – above and beyond what was expected – but the loyalty he shows to those he believes in is outstanding in its depth. There aren’t many people in this world who Face classes as ‘his’, but once you’ve made it, once you’re in that select group, then there isn’t a damn thing on this earth that he wouldn’t do for you. There have been times, too many times to count, when Face has risked everything in his loyalty to me. When he’s defended me from those above and below. When he’s sacrificed himself to stand up for what I’m doing. Often, I didn’t even realise what was happening until the event was over but I always appreciated it. I was often speechless in how much that faith in me meant, maybe that was part of the problem here, maybe if I’d been a bit more vocal in how I felt then everything wouldn’t have fallen apart the way it has.’

Face blinked as Hannibal's clear, determined handwriting ran out at the end of the first point. Yes, he knew Hannibal had appreciated what he’d done. Mainly. And it was his job but, that was never why Face had done it. Any of it. And that final phrase, ‘then everything wouldn’t have fallen apart the way it has.’ That was it precisely, Hannibal had summed them up in ten short words. Seeing it written down, knowing that Hannibal knew it was over too just tightened his throat and blurred his vision. 

He blinked again, took a breath and read on.

‘2. Sweetness of nature. It’s crazy. The guy’s a trained soldier. A Ranger and a fucking good one at that but he’s still just the sweetest person I have ever met. Inside he’s so pure, wears his heart on his sleeve, naive really, despite his life and all his experiences, always willing to see the good in people, always willing to do something to help. He’d give his life for a stranger and I’ve spent all these years trying to save him from just that. Rescuing that little girl’s kittens from an apartment fire in Chicago, wading through a storm-filled river in Somalia to check that the stranded school bus really was empty, carrying that old woman for five miles across the scrub in Iraq just so she could die in her old home… I used to yell at him after a stunt like that and he never understood it was through the fear I’d felt that I would lose him. I could never explain that to him. He always just felt he’d failed me.’

Again, Face stopped and stared at the words in front of him. He remembered all of those times well. Hannibal had never called him ‘sweet’ or ‘pure’ or anything like that. He had yelled, he’d slammed Face into the wall and told him he was an idiot, a liability, a danger to the mission and his team. Was it any wonder that Face had felt like a failure? That – the next time – he’d fought so hard against his own nature just for Hannibal? Only to cave in and start the cycle of disappointment all over again. 

‘3. Kindness. Face would give a complete stranger the coat off his back if it was needed. He has a heart the size of a planet and he sees things that many people wouldn’t. He’ll give money to a beggar on the street, but only if he hasn’t got time to go and get the guy a coffee and a sandwich. He might bitch about all the pro bono work we’ve done over the years, but he thinks I don’t know about the gifts he then left behind, the money, the equipment, the triple buggy for the widow in New York, the electric wheel chair for the kid with cerebral palsy in Maine and always from his own share of the fee, never from the team’s joint income. And the legacies too, the monthly donations that all come from his own pocket, the Orphanage, homelessness charities, groups that support child prostitutes… donations that tell a story all on their own.’

And now he just felt sick. Fuck… How clever had he thought himself for all these years? Keeping all this from Hannibal? He should have known better, should have realised that the old man saw everything and knew everything. But what did he make of it? He obviously suspected the truth about some of Face’s darker moments – what did that mean? Was that another factor that had conspired to kill off their relationship? His palms were sweating and he wiped them on his jeans before moving on. 

‘It’s just such a shame that he never felt that this was something he could tell me.

‘4. Determination. God – has there ever been a man more determined than Face? If he wants something he will get it. He will work and work and work until he’s achieved what he wants. He’ll run himself into the ground, he’ll drive himself into the dirt but he will work and he will succeed. It’s an incredible thing to witness and it’s saved us all so many times. He’s never given up on Murdock, not even when the man is so far gone from reality that he’s a lethal weapon. And he’s pulled him back – every time. That time BA was addicted to pain-killers, he never left his side for three weeks, dragged the guy through cold turkey with the black eye and the broken wrist to prove it. And me… he’s turned the world upside down when everyone else was willing so say that I was lost. He’s travelled the world and, no matter where I was, he’s found me, he’s saved me and he’s brought me home again. He’ll never know it, but he’s my God-damn hero.’

Hero? Face re-read that sentence three times before he accepted it was right. But still… hero? Nah, Face had been doing his job – that was all, and Hannibal had always taught him to never leave and man behind. So he hadn’t.

‘5. Stubbornness. Does this go along with determination? Is it the same thing? I don’t think so. Determination is the possession of resolve whilst stubbornness is more about refusing to change, in spite of being presented with good reason to do so. So, why is this in my list of ‘incredible?’

Face had just been asking himself the same question. 

‘Because it’s kept Face who he is. It might have driven me crazy over the years, the way he looks at me, that angle of his mouth, the tilt of his chin and my heart sinks because I know there’s a battle coming, but the kid knows who he is and he’s stuck with it, stayed true to himself and proved everyone who ever doubted him a fool ‘cause he’s a better man than any of us.’

Face frowned. None of that made sense to him. Refused to change? Shit – he’d spent all his adult life trying to be the man that Hannibal wanted him to be. ‘A better man than any of us.’ No. There were few people that Face could better. Very few. 

‘6. Selflessness. Oh – what a double-edged sword this one is. Face’s selflessness is one of the things that make him such a beautiful person, but it’s also the thing that’s most likely to get him killed. I’ve mentioned it before, how he’d risk his life for a litter of kittens, a dying old lady, an empty school bus, the frightened teen who’s just thrown a brick at his head, the boy-soldier pointing a gun his way, the sobbing woman in her explosive vest. One of us – always one of us. Throwing himself in front of us at any and every danger. Taking point every time, even when he’s dripping blood everywhere, even when I order him not to. And every time it made me heart swell and break all at the same time. To see the proof of his love so closely linked to the feelings of his poor worth… What a failure I have been to never teach him better in all our years together.’ 

The misting was back in Face’s eyes and he screwed his hands into fists as he tried to blink it away. It was true; Face would give his life for any of his team, any day of the week and it wasn’t because of some stupid, teenage angst about him having nothing to live for, not at all, but his team – they just had more, all of them. Families, friends, histories… It wasn’t about Face – it was about them.

‘7. Bravery. The bravest man I have ever met. Honestly. Without a doubt. Face will bitch and moan with the best of them when it doesn’t matter, when it’s nothing and nothing’s at stake. You up the odds, notch up the danger and the jeopardy and he’s a different person. I’ve seen him face down fifteen sword-wielding maniacs with nothing more than his hunting knife. He’s leapt from planes with dubious parachutes. He’s dived into shark-infested water without a pause. He’s followed me through one hair-brained plan to the next. He’s faced torture with a stoic determination to protect his team and his country. He’s worked on through injuries that would see other men curling up and giving up. And I know he’d do it all again, tomorrow, if he had to. And – he was willing to take a chance on me, his washed-up, battle-weary commanding officer, a man who’d confused love with control, who was so tightly wound at times he’d explode against the very wrong people. Face knew all that about me, he knew me better than any other living soul and yet he still gave me that chance – that’s the bravest thing a man has ever done.’

For a long time, Face just sat and stared at the words Hannibal had written. No matter which way he looked at them, though, how many times he read them, they simply didn’t make sense. With a shake of his head, he moved on. 

‘8. Intelligence. This was probably the very first thing I noticed about Face. People would assume it was his looks or his propensity to get into trouble, but it wasn’t. He is scary-clever and that’s what makes him such a great reader of people and made me notice him right out of training. He sees links, motivations and hidden thoughts in the blink of an eye. His head works in both numbers and words and can hold a full blue-print after just one viewing. He’s fluid, can change a plan and see all possible outcomes in one go. He sees all the things I miss, he reins me in when I’m too impressed by my own cleverness, remembers everything, organises everything. He makes me, completes me, fills in all my fault lines with his own skills – there isn’t a day goes by when he doesn’t impress me with something he knows, has remembered, can work out, see… it’s incredible. 

‘I know he struggled at school, he doesn’t say much – say anything really – but that’s stuck with him, cemented the fact, in his eyes, that he’s, at best, a poor average. He’s not. He’s outstanding. He’s gifted, and that’s why he struggled at school, struggled through his entire childhood because no one could see that, no one was willing to consider why he was the way he was. No one until Father David of course. Face’s mind, it’s incredible, it’s beautiful and it’s been a privilege to sit here for all these years and watch it work.’ 

Face’s heart was thumping again; all the things he thought he’d hidden from Hannibal… he was such a fool… 

‘9. His effect on me. I don’t know how else to put this, if there’s a word for it, but I need to say it, I need to mention the influence he has over me in every aspect of life. When I first met Face, I was career-driven, very. I was going up in the world and I was willing to mould myself, ignore things, to make sure I got there. And then I met Face and, for a long time, we were simply friends. But even so, he started to show me another way. He would never compromise his beliefs, his integrity for the sake of advancement and so – neither did I. It was enlightening. The relief I felt at instantly being free to just be me was incredible. I might not have advanced any further up the ladder but I was far happier and that was worth a hell of a lot more. 

‘And then, later, after we’d both done what we’d needed to do we turned to each other. By then, I had spent a lifetime in war zones, seeing the very worst of humanity. Face is never like that, he never sees the worst in others, he sees the best. He made me stop and open my eyes, he made me look around me and realise that war wasn’t everywhere. He made me see the beauty in the world once more and in doing that he saved my heart and my sanity. This is – almost – the greatest gift he has ever given me.

‘10. His love.’

Face swallowed and blinked and forced his hands to stop shaking the paper as he read on. 

‘It wasn’t given lightly, I know that, but it was given wholeheartedly, like everything that Face does, and it was incredible, the way he embraced everything we were. I thought I’d been in love before, I thought I’d made love before, but I was so wrong. With Face, everything was brand new. He was so responsive, it was almost like everything I did was wonderful for him. I loved it, I loved pleasing him, I loved watching him lose himself in pleasure. The hours we’ve spent loving each other have been the very best of my life but it was always more than that. I loved watching TV with him, I loved being in places where we could hold hands in the street, I loved sitting in a restaurant and listening to him talk, I loved watching him play basketball with BA, volleyball with Murdock, I loved the way he would smile at me if I caught his eye across the room, I loved the way he’d touch me as he walked past, I loved how he’d sleep on my chest, pinch my shirts when he was naked, leave me love-letters in the cutlery draw, shower for a week and sleep for a month, how he’d order something off the menu and then want whatever I had, make a show of getting no-fat milk in his coffee then fill it up with vanilla syrup, bitch about putting on weight then have two, foot-long Subways for lunch. I could just go on and on and on – I loved absolutely everything about him and still damn-well do.

‘I didn’t know what I did wrong with the gift of his love, I sat up on so many nights watching him sleep and wondering what mistakes I’d made. And now, I’ve finally worked it out, pin-pointed the mistake that ruined it all,’ Face found he was holding his breath whilst he was reading, ‘I finally concluded that the mistake was made right at the beginning, in those heady days of possibility and discovery. It was so very wrong to even consider that anyone as incredible as Face could ever have a long-term love for a man as simple as me.’

It was like a blow to the chest, that final sentence, and Face had to fight hard just to get his lungs to start working again around it. His mind was a whirling maelstrom of confusion – where was his legendary intelligence now? It had finished between them… why? Nothing made any sense. 

To his left, a baby started crying but Face just stared at Hannibal's list and tried to get this head around it all. Over at the counter, the espresso machine hissed and coughed but the steam it produced wasn’t as thick as the fog in Face’s mind. Laughter sounded behind him but he was oblivious to any hint of joy. The door tinkled as it opened but the letter occupied everything that Face was. His hands were shaking, the words were getting harder and harder to read as the trembling spread up his arm and then it stopped, held immobile under a warm point of contact and Face lifted up, blinking the tears from his eyes, feeling them rolling down his checks as he looked right into Hannibal Smith’s stricken face, saw the sheaf of white paper clutched tightly in his fist.

“I still love you, Face, don’t think I don’t. I love you more with each passing day.”

Face nodded, he couldn’t speak, his throat was tight, he was fighting the tears in his eyes and he felt like he was drowning, slipping away under cloying waters never to be seen again. He knew though, knew what Hannibal was saying was true, after all the man had never lied to him before. 

Where had they gone so wrong? He still didn’t know, guessed he never would but none of that mattered anymore because Hannibal was here holding out a life-line to him like he always had. He nodded again, swallowed hard and managed to force out the words he’d always mean. “I love you, too.”

Then he reached out and grasped that warm hand, took the life-line he was offered and promised himself that he would never let go of it again.


End file.
